Looking Back, Looking Forward

Looking Back

Twelve years ago today, just about now I received a phone call from Ron.  I was at work, just getting ready to start my day.  He asked me if I had any appointments or errands I had to run. I replied, "No."  He said, "Good, stay right there I will be there in about 15 minutes." and then hung up on me.

I sat and stared at the phone...something was wrong.  What could it be?

Did something happen to one of the boys?  My mom?  His mom?

I walked down the hallway to my bosses' office.  Told CU that I didn't know what was going on but wanted to let him know that Ron was on his way into the office, something was up.  He told me to let him know if I needed anything.

And about 15 minutes later, Ron came walking into my office.

He did not look good.  

He took my hands and said,

"Kathy (my older sister) called, your Dad died this morning."

I don't remember screaming, but from all accounts I let out a blood curdling scream.  CU, DE and RB came flying into my office.  Ron was holding me and I kept saying, "He can't be gone.  He can't be gone."

But he was.

My Dad and I did not always have the best of relationships.  He did many things that hurt me physically, emotionally and mentally.  BUT we had gotten to a place in our lives where we could love each other and be together, laughing and smiling and even joking about some things.  I knew at the age of 43 my Dad loved me and I loved him.  

After some talking, people were telling me I needed to go home.

But no, it was payday...people needed their paychecks...so I made plans to do a few things at the office and then head for home.  I told Ron I would be home around 11 a.m.  He was going to go to work and talk to his boss and begin making arrangements for us to contact our sons, Jamie & Brandon, make plans to go to California, to be with my sisters and put my Dad to rest.

And we did just that.  

We have never been ones to have much of a savings (against the angst of our parents and some good friends) but the Lord provided the money for us to get there - remember it was payday :)

Looking back I can see how the Lord provided: the money for Brandon to fly from Idaho to CA, for Jamie to be with us in Blaine and able to ride down with us to CA...giving us three drivers so we could drive straight through, both of us having bosses that understand the importance of family.

And putting us in a Bible study of a body of believers who would minister to me in so many wonderful ways in the days, weeks and months following my Dad's death.  It was a very hard time for me.

YET the Lord provided.

And I was reminded of that this morning.

Moses cried out to God, the people needed water to drink.

The Lord showed him what tree to pull from and Moses

cast the tree into the water and the Lord turned it from bitter to sweet.

The Lord Provided!

I am reminded in Romans 14:14-23

that sometimes I let STUFF otherwise known as my To Do List

to control me,

instead of me controlling it.

God loves me just as I am.  

He doesn't require me to accomplish a huge To Do List

God desires me to live in peace and joy,

seeking the Holy Spirit for guidance.

Yes, I have things that I need to do each day

But I have to remember that the most important 

thing in my life is 

my relationship with the Lord

which then helps me to have healthy relationships

with my husband, my children, their families,

friends, those I meet through work.

And in Joshua 1:1-9 (from The Message)

After the death of Moses the servant of God, God spoke to Joshua, Moses’ assistant: “Moses my servant is dead. Get going. Cross this Jordan River, you and all the people. Cross to the country I’m giving to the People of Israel. I’m giving you every square inch of the land you set your foot on—just as I promised Moses. From the wilderness and this Lebanon east to the Great River, the Euphrates River—all the Hittite country—and then west to the Great Sea. It’s all yours. All your life, no one will be able to hold out against you. In the same way I was with Moses, I’ll be with you. I won’t give up on you; I won’t leave you. Strength! Courage! You are going to lead this people to inherit the land that I promised to give their ancestors. Give it everything you have, heart and soul. Make sure you carry out The Revelation that Moses commanded you, every bit of it. Don’t get off track, either left or right, so as to make sure you get to where you’re going. And don’t for a minute let this Book of The Revelation be out of mind. Ponder and meditate on it day and night, making sure you practice everything written in it. Then you’ll get where you’re going; then you’ll succeed. Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.”

Moving forward in faith is always easier if we remember where we have been and how God has provided for us before.

Looking back and seeing how God provided gives me hope for today.

Knowing God will not let me down,

never leave me alone!

So I am reminded today, 

that no matter what I am dealing with

God is with me every step of the way!

Today I am thankful that even though most of my life

my relationship with my Dad was a pretty rocky one

that we were able to talk, laugh and cry together,

sharing our family with him,

and knowing that in the end

he loved me and was proud of me.

I love and miss you Dad!